Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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