I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i love accidental penises.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
