All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
