i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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