i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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