Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
