So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
