You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize
