just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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