kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
