Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
