I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
