we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I just had sex on a roof
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
