i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
