Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
