i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
