he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
