DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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