In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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