i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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