Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
