I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Randomize
