saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
