he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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