Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
