does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
