If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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