I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
