I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
