i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
