wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
