I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
