Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
