Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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