remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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