Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
