i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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