Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
