As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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