Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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