I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
