can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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