Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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