do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
