if i can run in heels then i can drive
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
