false alarm. still invincible.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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