I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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