my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
