I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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