Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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