If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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