Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
